What your child desperately wants you to know

This is a scene of constant war. It’s a mystery how such terrible people got together and what holds them together, but they have more in common than they might think. They abhor each other by default, and perhaps the only purpose of their lives is ruining each other. They love their children separately, but they no longer notice or care how much they suffer in this toxic environment.

Another similar example, but in this case the spouses have absolutely no relationship with each other. When love is gone and mutual physical attraction, they may sink into the bleak reality of mutual disinterest, and they found themselves in companionship of stranger. Marriage is held together by children, at least this is an objection not to divorce. They love their children, and they want to spare them from growing up in parentless or broken family. They want to save them from unnecessary trauma, which divorce unavoidably brings. However, they no longer realize that children know exactly what the situation is because they feel it. The children hate the hypocrisy, their nature is ruthlessly honest. And parents do the most harm by keeping their children in the bleak world of a dysfunctional marriage, without even knowing it.

Who is standing in the background, in most cases the mother-in-law or the father-in-law. He moves the threads in the background and games with the couple with a series of manipulations, emotional blackmail, and dramas, as they would be nothing more than puppets. She’s the invisible tyrant and can’t stand it if something isn’t the way she wants it to be. And the most dangerous thing is to control one of them, usually her own child, emotionally. Thus, harmony between spouses is lost and the manipulated party feels a constant urge to choose between his or her spouse and his or her parents. Not by accident, since expectations are constant.

FromThe idolization and deification of the child, which is characteristic rather of families with one child, where all attention is paid to that one child. Everything for the kid. The child comes first. The child’s hair should not be curled. They are constantly on the lookout for their wishes, and if they fall, a pillow will be placed under them. The child is always right and the parents, instead of setting an example for him, adapt themselves to the child’s expectations. Thus, parents are not functioning as parents. The kid isn’t stupid, he notices when he’s put on a pedestal, as that he can do anything because he is always saved from the negative consequences of his actions. This, of course, will be a huge disadvantage if he grows up and gets out of parental protection. The child pushes his or her boundaries to feel safe, but if there are no boundaries, he or she does not socialize well or at all. He doesn’t learn playing by rules, or negotiating with others. He gets used to getting everything and becoming a tyrant. This usually occurs where the child is born late. Parents always defend themselves by saying they only want the best for their child. But the best sometimes means the worst. The route to the hell is paved by good intentions.

This is another sad example. It usually occurs where the spouse himself or herself acts as a child, and the other spouse has all the responsibilities as a single adult. This childish behaviour can be observed in drug, or alcohol addicts. Note, the first thing in the life of an addict is the object of addiction, after everything else. Hence the addict never can be virtuous, or at leat reliable as long as they are addicted. The spouse, of course, wants to help him or her because he or she believes in the promises. “I will change, I will change…” But since the addict is not a full-fledged adult, but is on a childish level, he has no intention of keeping his promises as long as he can avoid the consequences. They always find some excuse, an objection not to change. They settle for a parasitic lifestyle, taking advantage of empathy and compassion of spouse. And the children will find an accomplice in this parent and will be interested in the emotional manipulations themselves. This will continue until the loopholes are completely closed, and this is the only way out, and they hear what they least want to hear: “Listen, I got bored of the games, and if you do not change until this time, I’m leaving.”

In many cases, the breadwinner, usually the father, is forced to work far away from his family for an indefinite period of time. He can rarely see his family, a few times a year for the better. This is by no means an ideal case, as children grow up de facto in a single-parent family. The father is present, but only as an illusion, a ghost, or a phantom. He doesn’t see his children grow up, he doesn’t play with them because the work calls him away. And if this becomes permanent, it could have tragic consequences in terms of children’s development.

Another typical mode of manipulation for using family to nourish the female narcissism. But the husband is also to blame, because it wouldn’t go without him. The fair consists of two, and this is no different in marriage. The point of this type is that the father, who is usually a beta male, is unable to grow out of a teenage fantasy world that is about idealizing the woman. He does not see the woman in her own reality with her faults. And the worst, he trains his children to be a partner in this worship. “Your mother is the best, the most beautiful, she deserves the best and so on.” And the woman demands worship, extra attention. She chooses a partner who is willing to do so. Remember that it is always harmful for the family to be unipolar, that is, to revolve around one person.

The unapproachable where someone, who has a key role in family is not very welcoming or friendly. He is the boss of the family and treats his family as an employee. This type of man is antisocial, or emotionally distant towards his children and wife. His family never knows for sure what he thinks and what his expectations are, which he controls with passive aggression. They just meet unspoken expectations to feel safe. But they can never get the boss’ attention and recognition or validation.

This is the opposite of the queen type family. It’s not quite opposite, rather the same with one difference, the object of worship is the man. This male type is narcissistic and egocentric, who always provokes glorification if he does not receive it automatically. He is the perfect one to solve everyone’s problem in the family. But whoever seems selflessly helps everyone does so for a very selfish purpose, which is harvesting glorification and constant gratification. His wife relies on him in everything and sees him completely uncritically. A man who has had self-esteem problems as a child is gradually discourages the family to making a decision on their own. The father is a god to earth for his children as well, who is here to solve everything. And the mother manipulates her children with her admonitions: “you know dad wouldn’t be happy about that”. Everything is about the dad, everything is around the dad. And the mother who also struggles with self-esteem problems, needs someone, who is able to fix everything in her life. In fact, the blind leads the worldless in this marriage.

Who expect the best from children and the most, and they are content with nothing but the perfect. They are absolute maximalists who do not tolerate any mistakes from their children, or the slightest sign of imperfection. They have serious ambitions with their children who are called to make up for the parental lack of self-actualization. Hypocrites who see in their children their own unrealized successes. My son will be the best student, the best soldier, the best husband and father, and one day the president. Children are under tremendous pressure, but they are not given real values. They are just a compensation tools. They are not loved for what they are, but for what they fulfil. Under great pressure, they will bounce, and the best becomes the worst many times. This can worsen to the point where the child commits suicide, such as after a failed exam.

It goes without saying anything, but before you’d think the abused is the helpless victim, I draw your attention to that, it’s only partly true. The children are absolutely victims without doubt. But nowadays in the western society the choice of mate is entirely voluntary. I would ask an abused woman, who chose the abuser beast as mating partner, and why. Were there no warning signs at the beginning? Nothing rised the giant red flag to you? Or you were impressed by your partner’s violent nature? Either way, it’s your responsibility to protect your children from the abuser. Because unlike you, your children have no choice. A woman chooses not only a man, but the father of her children. Whatever happened, you need to ask for help. That’s your duty. Your children can’t wait. Report it at the police for full protection, and there’s no excuse for not doing so. If you still do nothing, you are as guilty as the abuser. And one day you’ll have to look into the eyes of your children, who ask why you didn’t do it when you could have done it, and even should have done it. I’m sorry, but from this point you are not a victim, your children are.